Sarah, I can really relate to your story. I’ve had the same sort of experience many times. Our parents tell us not to let strange men back to our apartments. But we do, and, yes, these men end up taking what they want.

Sometimes we’re half into it. Sometimes we’re into the touching part but not the penetrative sex. The guys think it’s all okay because we don’t speak up. We feel guilty or like we now owe the guy sex because we let him stay over. Like it’s too weird to say “no” now.

That’s why, after my divorce, I made a rule. I would never go back to a guy’s place or let him come to mine if I didn’t explicitly want to have sex.

One time this meant sending a guy away when he was completely wasted. After asking to crash at my place, he got in his car and actually drove off. I felt guilty, like I’d be at fault if he killed someone.

But I’d told him, “I don’t want to sleep with you.” And yeah, it created a scene. But I was much older by that point and had learned my lessons the hard way.

You’re not alone in your experience.

I write about relationships, women’s issues, and my highly imperfect life. Learn more about me: Support:

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store